It's been, truly, an eventful year on all fronts of my life. For my family, we've moved a step closer to our new house. My dad switched jobs, and Brian celebrated his twenty-first birthday. Many of the demons we've faced together as a family in the past couple of years have been, however temporarily, laid to rest, while many more are still putting up  a struggle. 

In STAC, Leonard's absence and my three-month respite from the choir during my exchange in the US have left both positive and negative impacts on the group. People change in good ways and not-so-good ways; many personal relationships have been mended,  un-mended, re-mended and un-mended again. We've lost quite a few members along the way, and to be honest I'm uncertain about where we're headed. The future is a bleak, scary place, and once more I find myself feeling fatigued. 

My life as an NSman has officially begun. I attended my first mob briefing and also had my first 'tech mob'. I completed all 10 sessions of IPT, though my fitness has not improved since I ORD-ed (in fact it has de-proved drastically). I'm still waiting to see what my first ICT will be like. 

My DigiPen life is perhaps the most event-filled aspect of 2015 thus far. For starters, we moved to a new campus, and I can't believe it's barely been a year since we left Pixel Building (feels like we've been in SP forever). Despite having lost a member, Overload Studios kicked off the year by working our asses off and completing Dungeon Delvers. We won a couple of second-runner-up prizes at the DigiPen Game Awards, but probably the biggest prizes we got were Elie and Vivek's seals of approval. That said, we bid goodbye to an irreplaceable mentor and friend before heading off to the States for our exchange. 

My time in US will forever be one of the great milestones of my life, filled with many unforgettable 'firsts'. First trip to the States; first time attending mass outside of Singapore; first time having to do proper budgeting and grocery-shopping; first time experiencing a flight delay; first time taking an 8-hour bus ride across the country; first time in an AirBNB; first time visiting Universal Studios Orlando; first time seeing raccoons up close; first time having my heart broken in a foreign land etc. The three and a half months I spent there was the longest time I'd ever been away from the family, and truly taught me a lot about being independent and appreciating what we have back home.

When we got back from the States, there was another surprise waiting for us. As we brainstormed for ideas for our new game project, we were told Dungeon Delvers was a finalist for IGF China. We were over the moon. The time leading up to the actual IGF was hectic--making videos, submitting documents, buying tickets etc. all the while juggling our new project. Our trip to Shanghai was a little adventure in its own right. Kok and I got to know Melvin and William's girlfriends, and we had a blast. Of course, the highlight was actually winning the damn competition and bringing home the trophy. This was a HUGE deal. I've won stuff before, but I've never been more happy about any other achievement, and I know my team-mates feel the same way. 

It's been a long, busy year. I still can't believe I did all those things in the span of 10 months. At this point I feel a deep sense of retrospection, a desire to properly look back on the year, cling to its many wondrous moments and ponder the less jovial ones. But I also feel excited. Excited for December. For Advent and its music and anticipations. For my first family vacation in too long a time. Excited for 2016 and for whatever the new year will bring. 

We can't stay on top forever, but we can enjoy the view while it lasts. Then as the dawn breaks, we can search for new paths down the mountain, and new mountains to scale. 

Pax.

It's half an hour before I gotta leave the house to book in.

Haven't touched blogger in a while, but there have been some things I need to get off my chest. Some time ago I reflected and realised I haven't done most of the stuff I set out to do. Didn't get a proper job before enlistment, didn't take my 2B license, didn't plan a proper advent activity for the kids. Now I wish I had more time to do all those things and more. I wish I had more time to take JY out for dinner; actually commit on getting my license; meet up with the AMEX kids before they break up; watch The Hobbit with my family; do some proper Christmas shopping. But there's always something going on.

If it's not army stuff, then it's choir. Practice, mob, making farewell gifts for important people I don't care about. The army side, there's nothing much I can do about it. But there are times when I wonder if the choir side is worth the sacrifice. I'd really like to think it still is.

What I have been able to do though, is think a lot, and get angry. And yes, I finally admit that I am angry. At the big catalyst that was Laoren leaving us. The horrid snowball of events that eventually led to SJB's departure. And now, all the kids wanting to disappear.

I've grown up and learned enough now to know that Leonard isn't to be blamed (at least not solely) for this. People come and people go. Nothing happens that God doesn't allow. Still, it's hard to swallow, seeing everything and everyone you love fade away from you. Knowing that nothing you have done or can do will change things. I guess that's the painful part.

I'm angry. And I've been pretending I'm not for so long. But does it matter? I still love the choir, so much. But when every plank from a ship has been pried out and replaced with a new one, what keeps it from becoming a totally different ship?

Isabel, why did you choose to do this now?